One of the worst things I've feared happened to me a while ago and...I was ok.
When it comes to matters of the heart, I am the kind of girl who likes to sit back and let it happen. That does not mean that once action is taken towards me I do not reciprocate. But I do not take chances. Not when it comes to my heart. I always thought it was because I was an easy going girl and I went with the flow. But I've had a chance to look at myself lately and I've realized that I am a complete coward when it comes to love. That was something interesting to discover about myself after all these years.
It is ironic that in my quest to protect my heart, I have had it broken. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I was right, there is no pain that equals a heartache. Nothing. I've never cried so much in my life. To my amazement, though, I've learned so much from that experience. Don't get me wrong, at times I still think, "When will this pain end! I can no longer endure it!" But even doing those times, I felt like it was worth it. I've learned so much about myself as a woman. And my heart has never been as open as it is now. I took a leap of faith and have landed in a place I have never been before. It's mysterious but full of life. I feel like a new me. I am no longer the Laureen I used to be. I am no longer the Laureen that is afraid to love and be loved. I am now a woman who knows that when she loves, she loves deeply, thoroughly, and faithfully. And that I want a man with a faithful heart. Not one that fades away easily and fast. To me, that is not love. At least not the kind I want. Everyone has their own definition of relationships, friendships, and love. No one person's definition is necessarily wrong. But not one size fits all. I cannot impose mine on anyone else, but I can know what fits me best and what makes me feel the happiest. And being the sassy girl that I am, I know he will have to love me faithfully in order to put up with me for, hopefully, 30 or more years :). There really is nothing that compares to the feeling of being truly, completely, and unconditionally loved and wanted. And nothing to the warmth, fullness, and passion of loving. I feel like giving them the world, even when they make me mad or sad. I feel like doing everything in my power to make them happy. I will love again. Is the pain worth it? Yes...yes it is.
1 comment:
Wow, I had no idea you were going through such a rough time! Where was I? Laureen, let me know when you need help! It sounds like it was a difficult experience, but a necessary one. I guess we all have our growing pains. Glad you survived! I guess we all do in the end.
Post a Comment